FiFi Jo Goes Out

8.00pm

Kids night off from their mother so am luxuriating in bath (unfortunately alone), when silence interrupted by future husband's dulcet voice on my ring tone. Best friend calling. Sadly, cut off Mr Steve Kilbey (Australia's Finest Rock God and Sexy Lead Singer of melodic art rock band The Church), mid serenade to take call. Best Friend raving about an awards ceremony at the City Convention Centre where a 'rooting tooting good time' is said to be had. Ask what said corporate function is for as she knows I won't crash award ceremonies for the following industries: Aged Care, Health Foods or Crematoria. Functions at the top of the list are: Medical Practitioners (any sort), Oil and Minerals, Fashion, and my favourite..."the Luxury Car Industry!" cries Best Friend. "We'll get in before 9.00pm on this one, they're always drunk and desperate by then. If it was Medical Practioners (any sort) we'd have to wait until at least 9.45pm. Get your dancing shoes on luvvy, we're goin' out!"

8.10pm

Decide to leave Best Friend calling me 'luvvy' unnoticed due to her charming knack of finding ideal free entertainment venues oozing with desperate randy men with more money than sense. As already have dancing shoes on (I always bathe in my Gucci heels - gives me a sense of calm and ostentatiousness), dry off and locate my blackest, tightest, shortest, low cut-est dress and, due to an amazing complexion, high cheek bones, hair that falls in sexy blonde waves naturally, and the fact that I also always bathe fully made up, am ready in 6.5 minutes.

8.30pm

Best Friend arrives in her latest conquests limo (she prefers men in service). As I clatter down mock pebble driveway, hear noise not dissimilar to a strangled cat vibrating from the limousine window. "Cooooo eeeeeee! 'Ow ya goin' luv?!". Am shocked to discover Best Friend has brought her annoying little sister along for the ride. Oh great, have to share night (and drunk and desperate randy men) with Morticia Adams. With her long black hair and straight cut fringe, arms tattooed from wrist to shoulder and black rimmed glasses, she is hard not to notice. Together with Best Friend and her long auburn hair, emerald green eyes and huge bazookas out to party, we look like Charlies Angels on acid.

9.00pm

Arrive at Awards Ceremony a little worse for wear after imbibing a bottle of cheap white wine each. You would think Best Friend's beau could take some pride in his work and keep the limo stocked with quality plonk. Tell him so in no uncertain terms once bottle is polished off. It's not until I try to haul my gorgeous self out of vehicle with all grace and beauty that am aware Little Sister has spilt 'Red Vamp' nail varnish on my black dress whilst finishing off her toenails. Oh well, men will be too drunk to notice and I am too self-assured to care. Make the paparazzi lunge out of limo when hear an almighty rrrrriiiiiipppppp! Dress has been stuck to seat with nail varnish and has been slashed up to armpit! As am modern woman reliant on no-one, have a bag full of resources for just such an occasion...

9.30pm

Best Friend, Little Sister and I in our element making rounds of tables. We throw back left-over dregs from any

half-full glass, leaving shouts of "hey!" and "nice pegs" behind us. I smile warmly and wave my enviously long legs in a thank you gesture. "I think they mean your actual pegs", states Little Sister disinterestedly. Dress now looking

like something Liz Hurley may have put together with clothes pegs used to mend rip in dress.

10.30pm

Little Sister more annoying than ever. How she gets to each eligible bachelor before self is amazing. Realise she has

inside help when see her paying bartender for information. Seems bartender informs her of the 3 Golden Statistics - age, wage and relationship status (doesn't hurt that he also knows how much each gent has been drinking). As am

confident my beauty speaks for itself, do not need to compete. However, a little perspective thrown her way couldn't hurt. Undo pegs and waft coquettishly past the group of five males she is holding court with. Unfortunately, trip over

a chair leg and land on only table that decided on the pavlova for dessert. Fortunately, Little Sister so intriguing to males, no one noticed. Or so I thought....

To Be Continued....